Greg & Fletcher's Gay Adoption

Greg Flamer, 38, and Fletcher Whitwell, 35, have been a couple for 13 years and became domestic partners in Nevada in 2009. Whitwell is vice-president at R&R Partners Advertising and Flamer works for Clark County Family Services. Last April when some friends were having a child by surrogacy they began to think about a child. "It took us ten years together to get to this point in our relationship," the couple said. "This is the right time." Though inspired by their friends, the cost of surrogacy, sometimes over $100,000, was too expensive, so the couple considered the adoption route instead. Another option they could have taken, but didn't, is the Foster and Adoptive Parent Recruitment Program at Clark County Foster Care.

Samantha Charles, marketing administrator for Clark County Foster Care, says that Clark County actively recruits the LGBT community as foster and adoptive parents. She says, "They are our best supporters in the community." Gina Alexander-Shanks, a foster/adoption recruiter with the County, says that for harder to place children such as sibling groups of three or more children, medically challenged children, teenagers and children with difficult behaviors from abusive homes, the LGBT community has "stepped up to the table." Alexander-Shanks says, "LGBT parents are open-minded to different situations."

LGBT singles, same-sex domestic partners and co- and non-cohabiting couples are all welcome as foster or adoptive parents, Alexander-Shanks said. She said if a couple is cohabiting and wants to co-parent, one of the couple must designate themselves to be the adoptive parent and the other may be designated the legal guardian. The good news says John Cereso, an attorney with the Nevada Law Group, is that under Nevada's domestic partners law a same-sex couple in a domestic partnership can do a co-parent adoption. Cereso advises LGBT couples considering adoption to consult with their attorney before beginning the process. Alexander-Shanks said that couples, rather in a domestic partnership or co- or non-cohabiting, must go through Clark County Foster Care's mandatory training together to become foster or adoptive parents.

Flamer and Whitwell said, "We discussed adopting through Child Protective Services, but it is rare to get a newborn through the foster care route and we wanted to raise a child from the beginning stages of life to bond more closely." Clark County Foster Care's Samantha Charles says, "Our need is greater for fostering than for adoption. Sixty-five to seventy children are available for adoption, but 3,000 children need foster care."

The couple approached various Nevada adoption agencies that seemed neutral, "but they dissuaded us from open adoption because they said that birth parents don't choose same-sex couples." The couple then turned to Jewish Family Services in Las Vegas because they welcome same-sex couples. "We had gone as far with Jewish Family Services as having a home study done, but JFS primarily works locally in Nevada and that limited our chances of finding an available birth mother, so we decided to use a national agency, Independent Adoption Center, for a larger pool," the couple said. The couple is using JFS in Nevada for their home study and post-adoption studies.

They said that part of the eligibility process is to have a home study done; you must have baby proofed your home, put up a pool guard, installed a fire extinguisher, passed a CPR test and be fingerprinted for a background check. The birth mother in an open adoption also is encouraged by the supporting agency to undergo a background check and receive prenatal care.

"The cost of an open adoption will be up to $40,000 and you pay the agency, not the birth mom," Flamer and Whitwell said. "As part of an open adoption you agree to keep in contact with the birth mom-the child knows who his or her birth mom is-but after the adoption is finalized she legally relinquishes all parental rights."

Flamer and Whitwell said, "It is like online dating. We have a website and a prospective birth mom can see our pictures and read about us and, if she chooses, she can contact us and begin a dialogue by phone or text prior to our meeting in person. Sometimes the adoption parents receive last minute notification that a baby is available, but other times they may be chosen by the birth mother early in the pregnancy and are able to witness the whole pregnancy through to the birth." Adopting parents can select for the race of the child, but not the gender.

Looking forward to Baby Day, Flamer and Whitwell said, "We have discussed the option of one of us being a stay-at-home dad and we are both eligible for family leave through our employers. But we will probably look into hiring a nanny and using daycare." The couple said, "We have several friends who have children through surrogacy and one has a foster child, so we anticipate play dates." Their extended families are supportive and the grandmas on both sides are anticipating their new grand baby.

Flamer and Whitwell say that despite the time, the expense and the bureaucracy, "We tell couples who want to adopt not to be discouraged. Just keep moving forward with your lives."