Billy Masters: Valentine’s Day approaches...

by Laura Kiritsy
Wednesday Jan 25, 2012

"Having sleepovers with little boys...and you're a 40-year-old man? Uh, NO. You're like a child molester." - Kurt Loder shares his thoughts on Michael Jackson's legacy. I, for one, am shocked. Who knew Kurt Loder was still working?

When I walked into the Beverly Hilton for the Golden Globes, a strange man stopped me on the red carpet and handed me his business card, saying that I should call him. He could help me. I shoved it in my pocket and forgot about it. When I took my tux to the cleaner, I found a card for "Instant Burn Recovery," specialists in plastic surgery for burn victims. Did I look THAT bad? This reminded me of the first time I met Gloria Allred. We were seated together at a party. After a few of my anecdotes, she handed me her card saying, "You should always have this on you -- something tells me you'll need it."

Speaking of the Golden Globes, the Madonna/Elton John/David Furnish feud hit new highs (or lows, depending on your perspective). The latest kafuffle was about who would win Best Song in a Motion Picture -- Elton for Gnomeo & Juliet or Madonna for W.E. It was Elton who fired the first shot on the red carpet when he told Carson Daly, "She doesn't have a fucking chance of winning tonight." This led to Madonna's retort, "May the best man win." Of course, it was Madge's night. Furnish immediately took to Facebook and wrote "Madonna? Best song??? F**k off!!!" He later implied that perhaps the Hollywood Foreign Press gave Madonna the award in return for her being a presenter. What? These aren't merit-based awards? I refuse to believe it!

When asked about Elton at the press conference, Madonna said, "I hope he speaks to me for the next couple of years. He's been known to get mad at me so I don't know. He's brilliant and I adore him. So he'll win another award. I don't feel bad." This led to headlines all over the world: "Madonna Sniffs, 'I Don't Feel Bad'" said one. Another said, "Elton & Hubby Trash Madge." One headline proclaimed "Uranus Takes a Pounding" which, as it turns out, had nothing to do with either Madonna or Elton...or David, for that matter. Then Furnish (begrudgingly, I'm sure) apologized: "Wow! What a tempest in a teapot. My comments regarding the Golden Globes have been blown way out of proportion. My passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet and belief in Elton's song really got my emotional juices going. But I must say for the record that I do believe Madonna is a great artist, and that Elton and I wish her all the best for next week's premiere of the film W.E." Not as poetic as "F*ck off!", but just as sincere.

Another battling duo is hitting the airwaves in what promises to be a riveting encounter. If you're old enough to remember when "Three's Company" was considered risqué TV and appeared on one of the three networks, then you probably know the story. After the fourth season of the hit sitcom, Suzanne Somers refused to come back to work until she was paid the same as a male lead -- back then it was $30K per episode for the girls and $150K for the guys. That might explain why John Ritter froze her out. But what of Joyce DeWitt? Honey, Joyce wanted to keep her job! The two haven't spoken in 30 years. Suzanne recently started a web series called "Breaking Through." Allegedly the reunion idea came from her "producer" -- which all web shows have, I'm sure. Somers says she wasn't initially interested, but was convinced. And DeWitt? Well, what else does she have to do? Oh, except for five performances of Love Letters at the Sandhills Community College in Pinehurst, NC, last week where she appeared alongside Tab Hunter! Bottom line, she did the interview with Suzanne and it will debut online on Feb. 2 -- and I'm sure will turn up on shortly thereafter.

Johnny Weir is back! He left the world of competitive figure skating after ranking sixth place at the 2010 Olympics. He planned to go pro, but none of the pro shows would hire him. He hoped to start his own show, but that didn't happen. So now he's planning to resume serious training, compete in a series of regional events leading up to the US Figure Skating Championships and, hopefully, the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. You go, girl!

You don't expect to read a story about Corey Feldman in a newspaper...except in England where he's currently appearing on the TV show "Dancing on Ice" -- competing against such luminaries as Charlene Tilton! Feldman has "vowed" to write a book. Perhaps a better word would be "threatened," for he plans to talk about the sexual abuse he suffered as a young actor. And he promises to name names (I think we can guess one of the names)! In what I suppose is a "teaser," he told a reporter from The Sun, "When I was 14 and 15, things were happening to me. These older men were leching around like vultures. It was basically me laying there pretending I was asleep and them going about their business." Not to minimize this, but if I had a nickel for every time I was "asleep" when something happened, I'd be a rich man, indeed. Sticky, but rich.

Valentine's Day is only a few weeks away (so is Billy's early). To get ready for this romantic time of the year, Out magazine did an interview with Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka for their "Love Issue." The boys talk about how they met (through a friend), who courted whom (NPH was more interested, but Burtka was in another relationship), who is more outgoing (Burtka), and even their sizes (they allegedly wear the same shoe, pant, and shirt size...the bastards). Neil says he's more introspective, but fell for Burtka harder. He claims to have said, "I think I love you," to which Burtka responded, "That's really nice." That's a lot like when you tell someone they look good and they simply say, "Thanks." What I found interesting was that Neil wondered if he'd ever be in this type of relationship. Prior to meeting David, he had an introspective moment where he thought, "I've never taken a shower with anyone before." If that's the litmus test, I've had dozens of meaningful relationships -- sometimes several at the same time! No wonder my back aches.

Apropos of the Golden Globes, our "Ask Billy" question comes from Gordon in Dallas: "Everyone is talking about Michael Fassbender's penis in Shame. Have you seen it? Is it as big as George Clooney said?"

Well, I don't know if he could golf with it. Maybe croquet. Something where you swing the mallet directly betwixt your legs. Yes, that would surely be Fassbender's game. Of course I've seen Shame -- I'm a SAG voter, after all. So, yes, I've seen his penis. But I'd seen it before in Hunger. And it's quite...well, the word that comes to mind is pendulous. Look it up. Of course, you can check it out for yourself on

When I'm comparing a penis to a croquet mallet, it's definitely time for me to end yet another column. Amazing. Even in these days of proposed Internet crackdowns, one site always delivers -- If you've got a question that simply needs my attention, send it along to and I promise to get back to you before Corey wakes a shower! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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