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Hedda Dishes Drag Race :: Bosom Buddies (not)

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday Mar 20, 2012

Hello gentle Americans. Episode 8 of "RuPaul's Drag Race" was a particularly brutal episode, leaving a sticky residue on my retinas. Or was it that unfortunate sex-related accident during the commercial break?

My sexual partner's meaty member was just too beautiful; I had to keep my eyes open to take in all of its splendor. There is a price to be paid for such carnal pleasures: a swollen, oozing left eye. And there was a price to be paid for watching last night's show: a little piece of my soul. Being that I have so little left, I don't have much to spare.

The episode started off with each of the girls taking a lie detector test. RuPaul asked them various vapid questions ranging from, "Would you sleep with Latrice Royal if she was the last queen on the planet?," to, "Do you think you will win the contest?"

Personally I would have asked them, "One of you bitches mopped my purse, were you the stank ho who did it?" Or perhaps something a bit more forward, "Are you the one who left a greased up dildo on the floor of the ladies room?"

Later in the episode, for the main challenge, each queen was paired up with her polar drag opposite:
Latrice with Wilam. Chad with DiDa. Phi Phi with Sharon

They had to perform, live, a buddy song written by RuPaul’s writing partner, Lucian Piane. In the song they had to play bitter rivals, conveying to the judges that tension with comedic flair. Each pair had to rehearse her number in front of Lucian and stand in awe of his great talent as he critiqued them.

Lucian Piane stood there with furrowed brow as each team of girls fumbled through the music. At one point, in all seriousness, he said that a particular pair of the girls was not being true to his musical composition, as if his song was the "Eleanor Rigby" of today. But in his defense, he had to write a ’simple’ song for the musically-challenged cast members.

The celebrity judges were none other that Academy Award nominee, Jennifer Tilly and aging sex bomb Pamela Anderson. Jennifer’s huge tits were overflowing from her tight top as if it were stuffed with illegal immigrants, about to sneak across the border. Pamela looked well preserved. But the older Pam gets the more black eye shadow they smear across her lids. Five years from now I suspect she will look like a bleached blond raccoon.

Jennifer and Pam made delightful judges and had some funny critiques, especially Pam, who said that one dynamic duo was perfectly on key. She then proceeded to say she was tone deaf. It did not matter what Jennifer said; I was mesmerized by her tatas. I was waiting for a small child to appear with a blindfold over her eyes, stick in hand, and aimlessly swing at her pi├▒atas.

Wilam was surprisingly quiet on this week’s episode, brooding through the show; leaving the other contestants wondering, "What is going on with this stank, ego-testicle bitch?" It was obvious to me that she was hung over from a night of drinking and drugging. If you looked closely, I swear I saw a cum filled condom fall out of her ass during their final performance in front of the judges. (That’s what I suspect she slipped on, not Latrice’s scarf).

Pamela said their act was so good she would have them open for her in Vegas, leaving me to believe that Vegas is on its last legs. Sorry Latrice, even you have to admit that performance would be cute in some dingy gay bar, but not on the stages of Vegas.

Arch enemies Phi Phi O’Hara and Sharon Kneedles became rather comfortable with each other during the episode, losing that edge we all love to watch. That friction that used to fuel their relationship was lost and their performance was as flat as Sharon’s voice.

Chad Michael and DiDa Ritz pulled it together in spite of their lack of vocal dexterity and had a well-choreographed piece that actually elevated the cabaret for dummies song they were given. DiDa’s look is improving immensely, polished and pretty. My drag psychic abilities tell me that she will be taking the crown.

The losing team would have to lip-synch against each other and Phi Phi and Sharon -- good verses evil -- were pitted against each other. Phi Phi had so many drag faux pas during her number she should have been dragged off with a cane and strangled with Latrice’s dance belt. She took off her heels, her wig was not pinned down and flew off her head, and she tried to do a split, awkwardly falling on the floor. Once the adrenaline faded from her body I am sure she was reeling from the pain. Sharon stood there and emoted, giving you face. Gratefully she kept her heels and her hair on.

It was at this point that Wilam gracefully bent over and vomited off the side of the stage. Finally someone said exactly what he felt about this show in words that everyone could understand.

While Sharon and Phi Phi stood before the judges, breathing heavily, waiting for the final judgment, RuPaul called Wilam to the front of the stage. As Wilam wiped the spittle off her man-ish chin, she was told she was disqualified from the contest due to some breach of contract, leaving Phi-Phi and Sharon to face another day. They never told the audience what Wilam’s infraction was, leaving them to speculate what it could have been. I suspect they found a dead body in her suitcase. As they say, "more shall be revealed." Personally I don’t care. I am just grateful I won’t be hearing "I am a television actress," ever again.

Stay fresh,

Hedda Lettuce

Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.


  • , 2012-03-20 18:41:10

    I’m sure your recap was authored with what I’m sure you think is a ton of wit, but it read like a pile of stank ass regurgitated shit. Bravo!

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