Columnists » Hedda Dishes

Hedda Dishes :: A Hole in the Head

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday Sep 4, 2012

Hello gentle Americans. Recently, I met a man at the GOP Convention. Why was I there? The well-to-do gentleman I was dating at that time purchased the tickets, and I never refuse a free meal. Besides, it allowed me to wear that conservative strand of pearls that I save for funerals and Republican fundraisers. FYI, the man I came with was not the man I ended up with.

While I was at the bar getting myself a white wine spritzer, this gorgeous raven-haired man with the most piercing blue eyes asked me, "Are your tits real?" It was an extraordinarily bold question, but I like bold, and I replied, "Why don't we go to the coat room so you can find out." Slipping the Mexican lady working the coat room $100 dollars, he told her to scram. Taking a summer fur from a hanger, we laid it down on the hardwood floor and began our carnal journey.

With the dexterity of a circus juggler he unhooked my bra, at which point my fake boobs proceeded to fall to the ground. He had a look of shock in his eyes as he watched them bounce into the corner. His shock soon turned to intrigue, and he began to unzip his fly growling, "Suck it!" I slunk down his chiseled body, resting my mouth against his prodigious bulge, placing my wet lips against his Calvin Klein underwear.

The heat from my mouth left a wet spot against the cotton, and he moaned in pleasure saying, "Suck it, you nasty whore." Personally, I did not need that filthy noun at the end of the sentence. In his defense, how else would you describe a lady lying on a summer fur, with a stranger, in a coatroom, with her tits in the corner?

Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.


Add New Comment

Comments on Facebook