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Hedda Dishes Drag Race :: Celebrity impersonations (with shits and giggles)

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday Feb 28, 2012

What can I say about "RuPaul's Drag Race" episode 5? That Dita Ritz should be given the boot for spelling surgeon, sergin. That Kenya Michaels, Puerto Rico's very own Pez dispenser thinks Beyonce acts like Britney Spears on crack, beats a parked car with an umbrella. That Milan (who is a dear friend) might be one of the worst Diana Ross impersonators on the face of the Earth. For God sakes I could do a better job. That the crocodile tears Wilam shed at the end of the show proves she is a terrible actress and that she should be fed to an alligator. Phi-Phi, open your mouth up nice and wide.

This week's challenge had the girls parodying the 1970s game show "Match Game," calling it Snatch Game. Clever! "Match Game" is a television game show in which contestants attempted to match celebrities' answers to fill-in-the-blank questions. The two celebrity judges were the talented Loretta Devine and the somewhat annoying eunuch, Ross Mathews. Each girl was to impersonate a female celebrity, which some did with great ease, while others did with disastrous results.

Milan vs. Kenya Michaels

My prediction, in my last article, that Milan would be given the boot was wrong. Though I do question the judges and RuPaul’s decision. I love Milan, she is one of the sweetest gals about town. But does sweet really cut it? Do we like our drag queens lovable, approachable and kind like Teletubbies with their cocks and balls shoved up their assess?

Milan looked like she applied her makeup with her shoe; channeling the dearly departed Whitney Houston on a bender did not do Diana Ross justice. Too soon? Who cares. I am not one of those loving, touchy-feely drag queens. Why she thought, in her runway walk, that she should channel Janelle Monáe is beyond me? Janelles’ look, in my opinion, is not one to emulate. Milan was also wearing flats, an immediate disqualification in my book. Michelle Visage was right, Milan looked like Sammy Davis Jr., but with two glass eyes.

In the bottom two, Milan was pitted against Kenya Michaels. My theory that Kenya may have a touch of Down Syndrome was proven right when she did not chose to impersonate a Latin superstar, such as Shakira, but thought Beyonce suited her personality more. Kenya flayed around as Beyonce like a beheaded chicken in a Santería Ceremony. Taking a swig of vodka straight out of the bottle, I was dreading Milan’s performance during Lip-Synch For Your Life; I knew she was going to drag her taint across the floor, possibly removing her wig and clothes exposing her pigeon tits and bony legs. She did drag her taint across the stage, picking up dust balls like a human Swifter, but thankfully kept her clothes on. Frankly I think both girls should have been eliminated. Kenya threw in the towel the moment she took of her high heels as she tried to vogue along to Madonna’s hit song with the same name. Watching her vogue was like watching a donkey swatting flies. Milan, in the end, was victorious and Kenya was sent home.

Needles take a chance

The winner of the segment was Chad Michaels channeling Cher to perfection. She was lighthearted, irreverent and gorgeous. She stuck to what she is known for and dazzled the judges. Though I do believe that the hated Sharon Needles should have been crowned the winner. She took a chance by impersonating "Drag Race" judge Michelle Visage. Gluing a witchy nose to her face, plopping a black mop of hair on her head and giving great cleavage, Sharon hit a drag homerun. Not to mention delivering some funny dialogue that filled RuPaul with the shits and giggles.

Or is it giggles and shits? No, that was Wilam’s performance as Jessica Simpson. Santino should be removed as a judge immediately after he applauded her performance. She was dull, brick-ish and if I have to hear her say she is an accomplished TV actor one more time I am going to beat her with Milan’s face. Phi-Phi O’hara’s impersonation of Lady Gaga made me want to fart blood. According to Mr. O’hara she is hired across the world performing as the eccentric star. More likely the Third World.

Who will be given the boot next week? My predictions seem to be off lately and maybe I should look deeper into my crystal balls for guidance? Perhaps I should shave them first.

Stay fresh,
Hedda Lettuce

Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.


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